Intentionally Untitled

This summer I am creeping into nostalgia.  Summer loves, memories, times passed.

I love you, and I’m forever glad for the memories.  Even though they ended.  Even though they weren’t all good.  For some I loved (not all) they were good enough that I remember.

One in particular.  Summer skies always remind me of you.  The wind.  The grass.  The swings on the swing sets.  The rain falling in the warm days.  Campfires.  Driving at night with the radio on.

Parts of it weren’t pretty.  Were even abusive, perhaps.  What do you call it when one has some severe problems?  And don’t we all?  

But even though it slowly descended into madness, there were summer days, days of glory.  Days when we loved each other despite the fact that all the world, and often you, were against us.

I know we were not meant to last, as I have moved even farther away from the beliefs you held.  The ones that tore us, finally, apart.  I was never good enough.  But I tried.

I loved that we both had light and dark.  That I could talk deep things with you, spirituality, philosophy.  That you actually gave a shit.  That we could also be irrevocably human, flawed, dark, hurt.  That my strange desires didn’t push you away, though your perhaps minor insanity did eventually start to do so.

I couldn’t save you.  But god, did I try to love you.  I’m sorry that what seemed to amount to nothing more than the wrong set of genitals ended up being the dividing factor.  You were the first, but far, far from the last.  The next one abused me for about the whole year I was with him, for the very same thing.

But it was likely for the best.  I’m not sure.  I wish I could have saved you from your pain.  From the demons that haunted you.  From the.. things.. that took you over, left you someone else temporarily, someone that often didn’t like me at all (or thought I looked tasty).

I wish I could say it was a poetic exaggeration.  But I have some tales that would make your hair curl, probably.  I’d say I wish my life was normal, but that would be a lie.

I love those who are different.  I am different myself.  (Though I strongly do prefer that you don’t have other personalities that want to maim me, or that you aren’t actually abusive.)

The painting of my life is chaotic and amusing.  There are several that I miss: AJ, Taylor-you two the most.  I would have spent forever with you, if fate had allowed.  Julia, Johanna.  You were both truly special and unique.  And there’s many others I knew shortly, and not always as lovers either.  Oh and Steff.. god Steff, we were never anything but I swear to god you knew how to make the sun shine.

I love, often, and deeply.  There are so many ways to love.  And right now I miss those summer days and nights with those that meant the world to me.  I know it can’t come back, but I still can’t help but miss it and wonder how you are.  I hope you have the world, you deserve it.  I hope the pain that plagued you doesn’t anymore.  I hope you found what you are looking for.  I wish I could see a glimpse, of you happy now, just for a moment, just to know.  You stole a piece of my heart and soul.

Truth to be told I just wish that every day I could love people, people like these amazing people that I know now and have known.  If I do nothing else in my life but love, I will be ok with that.  I hate that sometimes, even that, is so hard.  That things like distance, or sometimes fears, get in the way of something that is truly just so simple, and giving.  It’s true, it burns me with a fire, so strong, so intense.  It’s true, I desire.  But I ask for nothing but the chance to love you.  Nor for you to give any more than you are able.  I will still love you.  Even if you are too hurt to know how to in return.

You are so beautiful.

burningmuse:

Staff note: Whoa. This is great. 

vernonrossmd:

I met us by the fence
staggering and laughing with
a full mouth and even fuller
smile

But the clouds formed above
and in our heads
where our parents said
to be forever unstuck
carrying thoughts like acid rain
“you and me shouldn’t be”

Setting down the sunset
in our cups of tea
you wished for a time
and a place
where the clocks don’t move
and memories don’t fade

I said, “You are so beautiful,”

and you know what?

Your smile believed me.

sarabande:

she has her fingers around your neck
her icy breath grazing your skin, and you are
burning.
you want her, you need her
she will make you feel alive
you crave that feeling of being
invincible
knowing that nothing
can destroy you now.
her voice is all you can hear
as you wash away the blood on your fingertips.
are you perfect yet?
bruised collarbones
scars across your skin
running through this maze again and again—
darling,
it’s all a mind game. 

happymonk:

A swift intense dream, returns to the dreamer,

and angels leave carbon trails in the sky,

and the delirium that gathers,

binds the earth to the heavens,

and the writing will change you,

unalterably, forever.

-March 2011-